Ask A Vampire Or a Werewolf Or An Idiot!
by MsPikachu
Summary: Have you ever had a question you wanted to ask the characters of Twilight, the book made famous by Stephanie Meyer? Well, come ask it here! We interview the characters, and we are certainly open to ideas. Come support us!
1. Edward Cullen's Interview

**Ask A Vampire … Or A Werewolf … Or An Idiot! :D**

**A/N: This is all nonsense. We're just having fun. If you can't take a joke … Get out. NOW. Before we throw Bella at you. And you can keep her, too! :D**

**Carlisle:** Good day to you all! This is the premiere of _Ask A Vampire … Or A Werewolf … Or An Idiot! :D_ … Wait. Who's the idiot?

**Bella**: (puts fork in outlet)

(ZAP!)

**Monika:** … Oh, no one. (smiles)

**Carlisle: **I'm the producer, Carlisle Cullen, and please welcome your hosts, Monika and Emi!

(Applause! Applause!)

**Monika: **Thank you, thank you, you're all too kind!

**Emi:** Our first guest is … drum roll please!

**Monika:** (takes out drumsticks and bangs on Bella's head)

**Emi:** Edward Cullen! Whoooo!

(And the crowd goes wild!)

**Edward:** (comes out) Am … I in the right studio? It says here on this paper, "Under the sign that says 'Cookies for Sale.'"

**Emi:** Oh, sorry. I gave you my shopping list.

**Edward:** That's quite alright. Umm … Where do you want me to sit?

**Emi: **(sarcastically) Hmm… I don't know. How about the seat that says "Edward" on it?

**Edward:** Oh. Right. (sits down)

(You'll only get this part if you've seen the movie.)

**Monika: **(stares at Edward with raised eyebrow)

**Edward:** (looks around) What? (touches his face) Do I have something on my face?

**Monika: **No, no. You look suspiciously like my boyfriend, Cedric Diggory. (Reference: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)

**Edward:** Is that a good thing?

**Monika:** I don't know. Just putting it out there.

**Emi:** So Edward! What's it like dating a nitwit?

**Edward:** A what? OH! You mean Bella! Yeah. It's okay.

**Bella: **(in background) I LOVE YOU, EDWARD!

**Monika:** Look! She goes as CAPS as Harry!

**Harry: **(in background) HEY!

**Emi:** Our point exactly. Hey, your interview was last week. Get out of here!

**Harry:** (grumbles as he leaves the studio)

**Emi:** Anyway. So Edward—

**Bella: **(still screaming in background) EDWARD, LOOK AT ME! I'M CHEERING FOR YOU!

**Monika:** (rubs forehead) Can someone _please_ take care of her?

**Voldemort:** No problem. Get her, boys!

(Dementors come out of nowhere)

**Emi:** Thank you. Very much. We really appreciate that!

**Edward: **(cough cough)

**Monika: **You're welcome.

**Edward:** I think this is a fabulous time for a commercial break!

**Carlisle: **I completely agree. We'll be back after these suggestive messages!

**Commercial Break! :D**

**Alice:** Are you tired of walking? Are vampires giving you trouble? Do you despise werewolves? If you answered "yes" to three or more of these questions, then you should change books and ride Hippogriff Airlines! There's great service, and you can even take a buddy! Plus, you get a free bodyguard! Hey, those hippogriffs sure are powerful! Look what they did to Draco Malfoy!

**Malfoy:** HEY!

**Alice:** Right. They didn't do enough! Anyway! Hippogriffs will get you anywhere in no time! Watch as we demonstrate the difference between vampire speed versus hippogriff speed!

**Edward and Buckbeak in a race**

(Edward takes off and Buckbeak soars through the air. Buckbeak kicks Edward in the face and Edward falls into the random ocean.)

**Alice: **See? Personal bodyguard, AND effective time management! Stop wasting money on gas! Ride Hippogriff Airlines!

**Edward:** (rubs his face) That really hurt!

--

**Bella:** (plugs in _Glade® Plug-in Scented Candles_) (sniffs air)

**Emi and Monika:** (come through door) Eugh, it smells like Bella in here!

**Bella:** No, you guys, it's not me this time!

**Emi and Monika: **Mhmm. Sure. That's what you said last time.

**Bella: **(grins and starts singing) Plug it in, plug it in!

**Edward:** (throws shoe at Bella) Shut up, woman! You're blowing up my eardrums!

**End Commercial Break! :D**

**Emi: **So! We're back to _Ask A Vampire … Or A Werewolf … Or An Idiot! :D_

**Edward:** That's a really long title. Don't you think you should shorten it?

**Monika: **Listen you, we had the same conversation with Lupin! We like the long title! And you should too!

**Emi: **Or else. (pulls torch out of no where)

**Lupin:** (from behind the scenes) Where do they get these random items?

**Carlise: **You tell me. You're the magic expert!

**Lupin:** Oh, right. (face palm)

**Monika:** So how was it playing baseball in the thunderstorm?

**Edward:** Oh, yeah, that was so cool! We love it when it rains, because we can play games! Like hide and seek!

**Emi, Monika, and Bella: **(look at each other)

**Monika: **Hey, how'd you get back in?

**Bella:** The front door.

**Emi:** Hey, who put that door there?

**Lupin:** I'm on it. (casts spell on door. Instead of door disappearing, it blows up and hits Bella in the head, fortunately knocking her out.)

**Bella:** (passed out of floor)

**Monika:** (stares at Bella) … I'm okay with this. Are you?

**Emi:** Actually, I'd much rather Bella be (mouth moves differently from what she says) put into a pile of cookies and milk and drown.

**Monika and Edward:** (staring agape at Emi)

**Edward:** I totally agree!

**Monika:** If you agree with us, then why did you put up with her in the book?

**Edward:** … Now see, that wasn't my fault. It was all Stephanie Meyer's idea.

**Emi:** That makes sense. You're forgiven. For now.

**Monika: **On to the next question! Now, I know it's not really a question, but when you glitter … It's so pretty.

**Emi:** You glitter! … Like a woman!

**Edward: **Am I a pretty woman?

**Emi:** … You're beautiful.

**Edward:** (giggles like a schoolgirl. No, I'm kidding he doesn't. He really does this: ) … Thank you? … I think?

**Emi:** Do you smell like a woman, too?

**Edward:** … I never really thought about that. (sniffs himself) … I don't know. You smell me.

**Emi:** (looks at Monika)

**Monika:** Don't look at me. I've got Cedric! Who coincidentally looks like Edward here.

**Emi:** (shrugs and sniffs Edward) … You smell like … chocolate.

**Edward:** Excuse me?

**Emi: **Sorry, I'm hungry. Can I have my shopping list back? (Edward hands her shopping list) Professor Lupin! I'm hungry.

**Lupin:** Oh, alright, alright. (takes shopping list and leaves)

**Monika:** I think this is a fabulous time for a commercial break!

**Edward: **Hey, that's _my_ line.

**Commercial Break! :D**

(Laurent standing in the spotlight)

**Announcer:** So you want to go vegetarian?

(Laurent nods)

**Announcer:** Tired of your friends picking on you?

(Laurent thinks about James and Victoria and nods again)

**Announcer:** Then have we got the reality T.V. show for you! _Changing Your Habits_ has everything you need to change your outlook on life. It's exactly like the American show, _The Biggest Loser_, only you're not losing anything! So won't you come join the family?

(Laurent smiles and gives a thumbs-up)

**Laurent:** I'M ready to change my habits. Are YOU?

--

(Emi and Monika are sitting with Jasper)

**Monika:** Jasper, how come you can keep everyone else calm, but you can't keep calm yourself?

**Jasper:** I AM CALM!

**Emi:** Ooou, looks like (sing-songy) somebody needs anger management classes!

**Jasper: **I need no such classes!

**Monika:** Aww, Jazzy, you know you need some. (pokes Jasper's arm)

**Jasper: **I DO NOT! STOP BUGGING ME!

**Emi: **You're yelling again …

**Monika:** Okay, okay, fine. Then how about you try out this new product: Anger Management In A Bottle! (hands Jasper a bottle-shaped stress ball)

**Emi:** It's guaranteed to make you feel better in no time! Just don't eat it.

**Jasper:** (squeezes stress ball) Hey, I feel better already! This is a really good product!

**Monika:** See? Living proof! Well … sort of. YOU GET THE POINT!

**Jasper:** Everyone should try this! It made me feel better! (cheesy grin and thumbs up toward camera)

**End Commercial Break! :D**

**Monika:** Now we're back with the show!

**Emi:** Now we have one last question for you, Edward.

**Edward:** Go for it.

**Emi:** It might make you a little uncomfortable.

**Edward:** Okay …

**Emi:** Okay, _really_ uncomfortable.

**Edward:** Just ask the question, woman!

**Emi: **(throws stress ball at Edward) It worked for Jasper! (smiles)

**Edward:** Um … Okay?

**Emi:** See? It's working already!

**Monika:** Okay, enough with the subliminal messaging already! Ask the question!

**Emi:** Jeez, _everybody_ needs anger management classes!

**Everyone in audience and cast:** ASK THE DARNDED QUESTION ALREADY!

**Emi:** Okay! Okay! Jeez! So Edward … HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU GET BELLA PREGNANT?!

**Edward: **What?

**Emi: **You don't have freaking blood! You need blood for the yeah … And then the yeah has to … Do that thing!

**Monika:** Just like Will Turner! And his half-dead baby! (Reference to Pirates of the Caribbean. Will be explained in the next interview.)

**Edward:** I don't understand the question …

**Emi:** I thought you excelled in Biology. (Reference to Twilight movie, when they got the Golden Onion)

**Edward:** I DO, but not at that stuff!

**Emi:** … Edward, I need to have a nice, little talk with you, about the birds and the bees.

**Monika:** Seriously, though, here's her website:

Stephanie Meyer's site

Check that out. I mean, it doesn't even make any sense! (Look for "Vampires and Pregnancy)

**Emi:** Yeah, that's a bunch of bull—

**Please stand by! …**

**Elevator music**

**Emi:** Okay, now we're back!

**Edward:** (looking slightly repulsed) I never thought of it that way …

**Emi:** Well, now you know. Thanks for joining us, Edward. We really appreciate it.

**Edward: **(nods, still looking slightly repulsed)

**Monika:** Well, that's all we have for you today, folks! Next week: Bella's interview!

**Emi:** (sarcastically) Oh, that should be TONS of fun.

**Carlisle: **Are you sure you shouldn't just call it a torture-fest instead of an interview?

**Monika and Emi:** Shush! You'll blow our cover!

**Carlisle:** Come to think of it … I don't like her much either.

**Edward:** My point exactly.

**Emi:** Anyway, it's been real great seeing you guys again! We missed you! We still have to interview Snape … Hmm … Well, whichever comes first! Bye now!

**Lupin:** Okay, I have your food.

**Emi:** Oh, goody! (pounches on Lupin)

**A/N: Okay, people. This is nonsense, really. We're just having a little fun with the characters. Because honestly, we LIKE the characters. Except Bella. We don't like Bella. Sorry. So anyway, we just wanted to warn you that if you either like Bella and can't take a joke, or you're completely obsessed with **_**Twilight**_** and think that everything has to be perfect, 1: You're in for a disappointment. 2: Don't read these anymore. We're just having fun. It's not meant as disrespect. But if you do like this, let us know! :D**


	2. Bella Swan's Interview

**Bella's Interview! -.-**

**[A/N to the reader: There is quite a bit of Bella bashing occurring in this episode. If you 1) like Bella and hate to see her get hurt or 2) have no Twilight parody sense of humor, then this story is really not for you. Check out Edward's interview or our Harry Potter interviews. Or go read something else. We really don't care. But don't hate or be rude because we wrote something you don't like. We're entitled to our own opinion. Get over it. Other than that, enjoy! :D]**

**Carlisle: **Hello, all! And welcome back to … our really long show title.

**Monika:** Say it, Carlisle.

**Carlisle:** But it's so long!

**Emi: **We don't care!

**Carlisle:** (sighs) Welcome to _Ask A Vampire … Or A Werewolf … Or An Idiot! :D_

**Emi and Monika:** Yayyyy! [:

**Carlisle: **Now, our lovely audience, did you read our author's note?

**Emi: **Oh, I hope so.

**Monika: **If you didn't … I'll … I'll throw a hamster at you!

**Emi: **… (puts her hamster cage away) But no, really, read it, even if it's long.

**Carlisle: **Wait. Who are we interviewing again?

**Monika: **… Bella.

**Emi:** So everybody, please give a warm round of applause for … BELLA!

(Audience is silent)

**Monika:** Aw, come on, you guys. You can do better than that!

(Audience is still silent. Cricket chirps.)

**Monika:** Anyway! Bella!

**Bella:** (comes out from behind curtain) Where's Edward?

**Emi: **Not here.

**Bella:** I WANT MY EDWARD!

**Harry:** (slaps Bella) Going CAPS is MY job! SO EAT THAT!

**Bella:** Eat what?

**Harry, Monika, Emi, Carlisle, and audience:** (face palm.)

**Emi: **Anyway! … Let the torture fest—I MEAN INTERVIEW—begin! Umm … Do you have any questions for her Monika?

**Monika:** WHY ARE YOU SUCH A MARY-SUE?!

**Harry:** DANGIT! WHY IS EVERYBODY TAKING MY JOB?!

**Emi: **Harry, get out of here! For the last time, your interview was last week!

**Harry:** But I love it here! (puppy dog face)

**Emi:** Fine. You can work costume and makeup with Professor Lupin.

**Harry:** YAYYY!! (runs backstage)

**Monika:** That was awkward. Are you sure he's not gay?

**Emi:** Hell if I know. Please answer the question, Bella.

**Bella:** There was a question?!

**Monika:** No, I just offered you FUDGE.

**Bella:** No, I can't take that. I'm on a diet.

**Monika:** What, a blood diet?

**Bella:** No, an all-carb diet!

**Emi:** But you don't eat … or DO you? O.o

**Monika:** Why do you diet, anyway?

**Bella:** I want to lose three pounds! … Is butter a carb?

**Emi:** … Yes.

**Bella:** (shoves a case of butter in her mouth)

**Emi:** Good luck digesting that.

**Monika:** Umm … I ran out of questions. COMMERCIAL BREAK!

**Commercial Break! :D**

**Announcer: **It's the moment you've all been waiting for!

**Monika:** How do you know what I'm waiting for?

**Emi: **GET OUT OF MY MIND!

**Announcer: **... O … kay … Anyway, who knows what this weekend is?

**Emi: **… Somebody's birthday?

**Announcer: **(face palm)

**Monika:** You know, Mr. Announcer person, you really should be more specific. I mean, you could confuse a LOT of people.

**Announcer:** … Anyway! This weekend … has in store for _you …_

**Emi: **Wait a minute! How do you know it's for me? Does it have my name on it? OOU! I WANT TO SEE!

**Announcer and producer: **(face palm) NO, YOU IDIOT.

**Announcer:** It's a new episode of Spongebob Squarepants!

**Monika:** … You guys DO know that not everyone likes Spongebob, right?

**Announcer: **Well, this is Nickelodeon. They told us to say it like everyone likes it.

**Monika: **… (nods slowly) Good luck with that.

--

**Announcer: **Weight off! Apply directly to your belly! Weight off! Apply directly to your belly! Weight off! Apply directly to your belly! Weight off—

**Monika: **(roundhouse kicks the announcer and then grins in her triumph)

**Bella: **(picks up _Weight Off_ bottle and rubs it on her belly)

**Emi: **Oh, no, Bella. You're supposed to eat it.

**Bella: **But the announcer person-ma-bob said to put it on my belly.

**Emi:** Oh, Bella, it's just because they want you to waste your money buying more. Eating it is the REAL way to make it work.

**Announcer: **(to Monika) Are you sure you shouldn't stop her?

**Monika: **Ah, she's indestructible anyway. It's not like it would matter.

**Announcer: **… (shrugs)

**Bella:** Oh, thanks, Emi! I don't know what I'd do without you!

**Emi: **(to herself) You would probably live.

**Bella: **What was that?

**Emi: **You would probably waste a lot of money!

**Bella: **(grins and swallows Weight Off) Hmm … it doesn't taste so bad once you get past the pungent (starts screaming and rolling around on the ground)

**End Commercial Break! :D**

**Carlisle: **And now we're back! Lovely commercials, huh?

**Audience: **(cheers wildly)

**Bella: **They weren't great! They made me get a stomachache!

**Monika: **Actually it made your insides burn, but since you're technically dead anyway, and can't die permanently, you just had to endure all that pain, but whatev…

**Bella:** …I don't get it…

**Emi: **(pats Bella on the head) Of course you didn't.

**Monika: **Moving on… Hey, Bella, why are you such a sex maniac?

**Bella: **What? I am not!

**Emi: **Okay, did you or did you not beg Edward for sex???

**Carlisle: **(hacking cough in background)

**Edward:** (looks away, whistling)

**Bella: **I didn't beg…I just convinced him…in a desperate manner…

**Edward: **(laughs nervously)

**Carlisle: **Sweetie, that's what we NORMAL creatures call "begging…"

**Monika: **Hate to break it to you, but you ARE a sex maniac.

**Emi: **And that's just gross…

**Monika: **Not to mention degrading to women.

**Emi: **That too!

**Bella: **(sits and pouts) I don't know what you guys are talking about.

**Lupin: **…Um, I think this is the perfect time for a commercial break…

**All: **Agreed…

**Commercial Break! :D**

**Announcer: **Do you have diabeetus?

**Monika: **...I'm pretty sure it's "diabetEEZ."

**Announcer: **(ignores Monika) Diabeetus has really affected my life.

**Emi: **Um, Mr. Announcer, it's "diabeTEEZ!"

**Announcer: **Will you just let me finish my commercial?!

**Emi and Monika:** Fine…

**Announcer: **When you have diabeetus, you are very angry, depressed, and emo. Like that guy over there. (points at Edward)

**Edward: **Hey!

**Announcer: **(ignores Edward) So don't wait to treat your diabeetus.

**Emi and Monika: **IT'S DIABETEEZ!!! (throws fish at Announcer)

**Announcer: **What is it with you people ruining my commercials??

**Emi: **Sir, I'm just saying – it's pronounced "diabeTEEZ!"

**Announcer: **I'm trying to make money here, people!

**Edward: **I AM NOT EMO!!!

**Harry: **WILL YOU STOP TAKING MY JOB???

**Announcer: **Please treat your diabeetus now, before it's too late.

**Edward: **I AM NOT EMO!!! COME BACK HERE! (follows Announcer)

**End Commercial Break! :D**

**Carlisle**: And we're back with the final questions!

**Audience: **(breathes sigh of relief)

**Emi: **So…Bella, why can't you do ANYTHING for yourself?

**Bella: **What? I can do everything myself!

**Edward: **(scoffs)

**Monika: **Edward, do you have something to say?

**Edward: **She has me tie her shoes! Her SHOES! Who DOES that?

**Audience:** (turns to Bella)

**Bella: **Well, it's just because I don't want to bend down. It's too much work and a pretty girl like me shouldn't do too much work.

**All: **(face palm)

**Monika: **(suddenly chains Emi to the ground)

**Emi: **When I get out of these chains, you are SO getting beat upside the face!!!

**Edward: **Um, Emi, as much as I totally agree with you, you might not want to kill my wife.

**Emi: **(struggling) What? Why?

**Edward: **Because the people who own my copyright might kill me…

**Emi: **Aww, fine…

**Monika: **Are you going to be good?

**Emi: **Yes…

**Monika: **(unchains Emi)

**Emi: **(mumbles to herself something that sounds like "stupid copyright peoples")

**Monika: **…I really have no other questions. Do you?

**Emi: **Nope, sure don't.

**(Emi and Monika look at each other)**

**Emi and Monika: **Voldie!!!!!!!!

**Voldemort:** Yes?

**Emi and Monika: **Sic Bella!

**Voldemort: **Mwahaha!!! (chases Bella with chocolate because she's on a diet)

**Bella: **(runs away screaming)

**Monika: **Well, that's all for this episode. Stay tuned for our next interview with, drumroll, please!

**Emi: **(plays drums on Harry's empty head [while his head is empty, it is no where near as empty as Bella's.])

**Monika: **Renesmee Cullen!

**Emi: **RenesmEE? With TWO "e"s?

**Monika: **Well … yeah.

**Emi:** Whose stupid idea was that?

**Monika: **Bella's.

**Emi: **(sighs) Okay, Bella. Whatever floats your boat.

**Bella: **(from outside) What boat? What are you talking about?

**Emi and Monika: **Nevermind! Shut up! Just shut up!

**Carlisle: **See you guys in our next interview!


	3. Renesmee Cullen's Interview

**Ask A Vampire … Or A Werewolf … Or An Idiot! :D**

**[A/N: Just so you know, Renesmee is about eight-ish. Enjoy!]**

**Carlisle: **Hello everyone! Welcome back to the show with our hosts, Emi and Monika! (looks at Emi and Monika)

**Emi and Monika: **Say the title!

**Carlisle: **(sigh) Ask a Vampire … Or a Werewolf … Or an Idiot. You know, you'd think the audience would know the title by now…

**Emi and Monika: **WE LIKE OUR TITLE!!!

**Carlisle: **Yes, you've made that abundantly clear before… Anyway, today Edward will be helping Emi and Monika with the interview.

**Audience: **(claps)

**Edward: **Thank you. Today, we're interviewing my daughter, Renesmee!

**Audience: **(claps again)

**Renesmee: **(walks out and waves cutely) Hi! (sits next to Edward)

**Audience: **Awwwww!!!

**Monika: **She's so cute!

**Emi: **She gets that from her father, of course.

**Edward: **(grins proudly)

**Emi: **Tell us why you married Bella again?

**Edward: **(coughs) Stephenie Meyer made me…

**Emi: **(pats Edward's shoulder) It's okay, Edward. You can cry. We're here for you.

**Edward: **(glares at Emi)

**Emi: **Just putting it out there, Edward!

**Monika: **So, for our first question!

**Emi: **It's technically our second question…

**Monika: **(rolls eyes) So, for our REAL first question! How do you like being named "Renesmee?"

**Renesmee: **Ugh, I HATE it. I don't know why, how, or where my mom got that name!

**Edward: **(turns to Renesmee) If I was allowed to name you, it totally would've been something different.

**Monika: **We should give you a new name!

**Emi: **Yeah! We should call you…

**Emi and Monika: **Sharkbait!

**Audience: **Sharkbait! Ooh-ha-ha!

**Edward: **We're not naming my daughter Sharkbait!

**Monika: **Well, what do you suggest then?

**Emi: **Yeah, where's your brilliant name?

**Edward: **Well, I thought we could call her by her middle name, Carlie. It's much prettier than her first name.

**Bella: **(runs across stage in straight jacket)

**Voldemort: **(chases Bella with a chair) RAAAAHHHHH!!!

**Bella and Voldemort: **(exits through back door)

**Audience: **…

**Edward: **Well, that was awkward…

**Carlisle: **I think it's time for a commercial break…

**Commercial Break! :D**

**Announcer:** Does your hair disobey all human commands?

**Voldemort:** Indeed, it does.

**Announcer: **It may be time for you to try NEW! L'Oreal: Many Manageable Shampoo and Conditioner!

**Voldemort:** (rubs shampoo through on his scalp) You're right! My hair feels wonderful!

**Announcer:** As you see, I've done my job.

**Voldemort: **L'Oreal. Because I'm worth it. (winks)

**Monika: **… You DO realize that you don't have hair … right?

**Voldemort:** SILENCE! I KILL YOU!

(P.S. Watch Jeff Dunham's Achmed the Dead Terrorist.)

**Emi: **Well, you don't!

**Voldemort: **(rubs head again) OH MYLANTA! I DON'T have hair! (panics)

**Emi: **Do you need Dr. Phil?

**Monika: **Naw, he just needs a BIG hug!

**J.J.: **(Emi's dog) Woof! (Jumps on Voldie and licks his face)

--

**Verizon guy: **Are you tired of other phone carriers and dropped calls?

**Victoria: **(looks at her cell phone) A little bit, yeah.

**Verizon guy: **Verizon has the best coverage, and we're always by your side!

**Verizon company workers: **(gives thumbs up)

**Victoria: **Umm … Okay! Sure! (walks around for a bit)

**Verizon company workers: **(follow her around)

**Victoria: **… What are you guys doing? (keeps walking) Stop following me! (keeps walking) STOP IT! (walks for a while) … AHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. STOP. FOLLOWING. ME.

**Random passerby: **(stares at Victoria)

**Little boy: **Mommy, who is that woman yelling at?

**Mother: **… (steers boy away from Victoria yelling at nobody)

XD

**Verizon guy: **(talking on cell phone) Can you hear me now? … Good!

**End Commercial Break :D**

**Monika: **Welcome back, everybody! We're here with _Carlie_ and her dad, Edward!

**Emi: **So how do you like "Carlie?"

**Carlie: **Oh, it's MUCH better.

**Edward: **(pats Carlie on the head)

**Monika and Emi: **Aww.

**Monika: **Kodak moment! (snaps photo)

**Emi:** Man. We're advertising EVERYTHING. You know, we should get paid for it.

**Monika: **So true. But maybe it's time to ask CARLIE something. Since, you know, it IS her interview.

**Emi: **You're right, Monika! Do you have a question for her?

**Monika: **So what's it like to grow up in the Cullen family?

**Carlie: **It's pretty crazy, but it's fun. I love my auntie Alice. She always gives me candy! And Uncle Emmett is such a big softy! And Auntie Rosalie and Uncle Jasper are really funny.

**Monika: **Jasper has a sense of humor?

**Emi: **And a short temper.

**Jasper: **I HEARD THAT.

**Emi: **Aww. Jazzy, you know we love you!

**Jasper: **(mumbles to himself)

**Emi: **Hey Carlie, have you played vampire baseball yet?

**Carlie: **Oh yeah! It's super fun! I got Uncle Jazzy out!

**Monika: **That's so cute!

**Jasper: **(smiles proudly) I taught her everything she knows!

**Edward: **Hey, I taught her some skills too!

**Jasper: **Sure you did…

**Edward: **(glares)

**Monika: **ANYWHO! Carlie, what do you and your dad like to do together?

**Carlie: **Well, when my mom's around, we go to the park… But when she's not…Well, she hates flowers, so Dad and I plant flowers in the backyard. Just cuz we can!

**Emi: **What's your favorite flower?

**Carlie: **My favorite flowers are lilies, because they're so pretty.

**Harry: **(bursts out crying because his mom's name is Lily)

**Monika: **Harry, did you forget to take your PMS pill again?

**Emi: **Do you need a tampon? I have some in my purse!

**Harry: **Shut up! Just shut up! (runs into a corner and cries)

**Monika: **You know, we really should do something about that…

**Emi: **But time is money and we're being paid for this…But I really do feel bad for Harry…

**Carlie: **Give him a cookie! It makes me feel better!

**Emi: **(throws Harry a cookie)

**Harry: **It will not cease my pain! (continues crying)

**Monika: **(sigh) He really needs to remember to take his pills in the morning.

**Emi: **Hey, Edward? Do you want to ask Carlie anything?

**Edward: **No, I'm good. I read minds, remember?

**Emi: **Oh yeah, I forgot…

**Edward: **How could you forget? You see me everyday!

**Emi: **Well I'm not a mind reader like some people here! (crosses her arms and looks away)

**Monika: **… What do you think of your mom, Carlie?

**Carlie: **Umm… well, I wish that she… how do I put it nicely? …I wish she weren't such an IDIOT!

**Edward: **(opens his mouth to protest, then closes his mouth and nods)

**Carlie: **I hope I don't end up like her…

**Monika: **Oh no, honey. You're more like Edward.

**Emi: **You better be more like Edward! Or we'll sic Voldemort on you!

**Carlie: **Oh, you mean the crazy guy with the chair?

**Monika: **Yeah… that guy. He's… passionate about his job.

**Emi: **Yeah, he gets paid really well to beat up…I mean, CONTAIN the crazies.

**Carlisle: **Um, before you get into that topic, it's time for another commercial break!

**Emi: **Okay, you have fun with that, dear!

**Commercial Break :D**

**Announcer: **What would YOU do for a Klondike Bar?

**Aro: **I would stop all life-forms for a Klondike Bar!

**Jane: **Are you kidding? I kill you for a Klondike Bar!

**Aro: **Oh, no she didn't! (snaps fingers in a sassy manner)

--

**Jacob: **Kiss me!

**Bella: **WHAT??

**Announcer: **Need a Twix moment?

(Time pauses as Jacob shoves a Twix in his mouth)

**Jacob: **If you kiss me, I won't go and fight and possibly die!

**Bella: **Okay, sure! (kisses Jacob)

(Reference: Eclipse)

**End Commercial Break :D**

**Carlisle: **Hello, there! Nice commercials? …I want a Twix now…

**Monika: **Me too!

**Emi: **Me three!

**Carlie: **I want one too…

**Emi: **Professor Lupin!

**Lupin: **(comes out of dressing room)

**Emi: **Will you get us some Twix? Who wants one? (whole audience raises their hands)

**Lupin: **(sigh) Fine…I'll go get you your Twix.

**Monika: **Thank you! We love you!

**Audience: **We love you too!

**Lupin: **Yeah, yeah, yeah…

**Edward: **We're running out of time...Last question?

**Monika: **Can we give Carlie a hug?

**Edward: **Sure why not?

(everyone, including the audience, hugs Carlie)

(Five hours later…)

**Carlie: **(yawns)

**Edward: **I think it's time for us to go home. It's way past her bedtime. Good night everyone! (picks Carlie up and carries her out of the studio)

**Everyone: **Awww…

**Carlisle: **It's past my bedtime too…

**Monika: **I thought vampires didn't have bedtimes…

**Carlisle: **(shifty eyes) You heard nothing! (runs away)

**Emi: **Stay tuned for our next interview with Jacob Black! Bye everyone!

(Everyone leaves; lights go out in the studio)

**Lupin: **(comes in to find the place deserted) Hey! Where did everyone go???


End file.
